


The Memoirs of Jack Harkness

by Meloenijs



Category: Torchwood
Genre: All pairings except Jack/Ianto are past, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Bridget Jones' Diary - Freeform, F/M, Jack has a diary and a crush, M/M, Multi, there's mention of some weird physic sex as well, which makes for a very bad combination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-26
Updated: 2012-09-26
Packaged: 2017-11-15 02:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meloenijs/pseuds/Meloenijs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Throughout the entire interview he sat next to me, distracting me every time he moved, a waft of vanilla reaching my nostrils. Several times I zoned out, wondering if it was his shampoo or his shower gel. Not even once did I try to hit on either one of the interviewees.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Or, the one where Jack has a diary and channels his inner twelve year old with a crush.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Memoirs of Jack Harkness

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [reel-torchwood](http://reel-torchwood.livejournal.com/). Crossposted at [my livejournal](http://meloenijs.livejournal.com/4169.html).
> 
> Prompt: Bridget Jones' Diary.
> 
> The format is vaguely based on that of the books. Since it's been ages since I've read them it's probably not very accurate.  
> Also, for everyone who doesn't know (like I did), 14 stone is around 88 kg or 196 pounds. One stone is around 6,3 kg or 14 pounds.

__

**_24/12/2006_ **

_Weight: 14 st 1  
Shots: 15_

_08:45 pm_

I had to make appearances at the Torchwood Christmas party today. I can’t even remember the last time I went, but Alex told me it was to show the employees from One how much more fun we at Three can have; _I_ think he just wanted to parade me around to everyone. At least, that’s how it felt like to me. Looking back, the fact that he gave critique on how I was dressed – trousers and a blue shirt - before we left, doubly convinces me so.  
Immediately when we entered the party room, he was pulling me around, introducing me to random people.

Being a freelancer at Torchwood Three doesn’t give you a lot of free time, and I certainly wasn’t going to waste the bit I had by chatting with the mindless drones at One. But Alex is a good guy and he means the best for everyone. I didn’t object to him pulling me around, but when he started pointing out everyone who was single, I really had to bite my tongue.

I must confess, when he started dragging me towards single guy #104 – recently divorced, made a quick rise through the ranks – I was momentarily stunned. We were steadily approaching a man in his early twenties, dressed in a finely cut suit, with the most gorgeous blue eyes. Alex introduced him as Ianto Jones and promptly left me.

“Hi. Captain Jack Harkness.” I offered him my biggest grin-and-wink combination.  
Ianto frowned, but nodded at me in recognition. He extended a hand towards me.  
“Pleased to meet you.”  
I grasped his hand and added a small stroke of my thumb, just to test the water. Still no favourable reaction.  
“So, are you staying here in Bristol for the week?” I asked. The party was being held in Bristol so it would be on “neutral grounds”. Ridiculous, if you ask me.  
“No.”  
If he wasn’t Mr. Chatty. “I’m staying. Probably going to be too hung-over to drive, anyway, so it’s for the best.”  
Ianto nodded and looked over my shoulder. “Maybe I should get something to eat. I’ll see you later.”

At least he gave me a nice view of his arse as he walked away to the buffet. I felt vaguely disappointed about failing to pick up this hot guy, but he didn’t seem like my type personality-wise anyway. Of course, normally when I’m looking for someone you could be the whiniest bitch alive and I wouldn’t care. Lately though I’d been looking for more. Maybe I’d finally sowed all my wild oats. I sighed and went to get a shot of hypervodka.

I was contemplating whether or not to take a second shot – these things are nasty – when I heard the bane of existence, Yvonne Hartman, talk.

“He has his looks, you’ve got to admit that.”  
“Looks without substance isn’t what I’m looking for. And that cheesy grin he gave me – like he just expected me to roll over and let him have his way with me.”  
Yvonne snorted. “You’ve got him pegged down minutely, Ianto. I never liked the cocky bastard.”

I stared after them as they trailed off. Was that really how I came across? A brainless cocky bastard, luring innocent young men in my bed?

I decided against the second shot after all and took the whole bottle up to my room.

 

* * *

 

**_5/01/2007_ **

_Weight: 14 st  
Shots: 0_

_03:23 pm_

I was lounging about in the Hub, attempting to look busy, when my phone rang. I isolated myself in the archives before answering. Tosh, one of my closest friends, was making her daily call in despair. She was in a relationship with Vile Mary, and constantly needed reassurance she was not in the wrong. After I calmed her down – try understanding a sobbing person over the phone – we agreed to meet up later tonight.

While I was in the archives anyway I thought to do some work. One look around me quickly cured me of that thought. The only areas free of dust were those where I frequently answered Tosh’s calls. Stacked piles of unfiled reports were looming over me, and I decided to turn a blind eye towards the archives once more.

I came up out of the archives to go home early, since I was covered in a few decades worth of dust coating and would need the time to get cleaned up. One of the other freelancers, John Hart, winked at me when I grabbed my coat. We had history – and not in the good sense. We’d made a mutual agreement to never bring it up again. It involved a very unpleasant two weeks.  
That didn’t keep us from flirting whenever we came across one another though. We weren’t placed on enough missions together to actually do something about it.

_05:53 pm_

I rushed through the door of the pub we’d agreed to meet up at. Tosh was already waiting for me, as were Owen and Gwen. We were an odd group, with opposite personalities, but working at Torchwood created strong bonds.

Tosh used to be the technical genius at Three until she was hijacked by UNIT, claiming they needed her more to bring order in their database. She often complained working at UNIT felt like being in a heavily guarded prison, the security so strict.  
Owen worked as a medical counsellor, and a part time field medic. For a while, Tosh had had the biggest crush on him, until he gently let her down. Shortly after that she met Mary.  
Gwen operated as the police liaison. She was the newest recruit, and ended up in our little group by her brief fling with Owen.

The others were already plying Tosh with enough alcohol to cause permanent liver damage. Deciding to act as the responsible person I am, I went to get a glass of water. Taking a seat next to Owen, I joined in the friendly teasing that was going on.

 

* * *

 

**_17/01/2007_ **

_Weight: 14 st 2  
Shots: 2_

_07:11 pm_

Hart and I had been chosen to represent Torchwood Three at an intergalactic party. I still think Alex was getting me to socialise, but I wasn’t going to complain about an easy day. This being an important event, I’d have to keep an eye on John to make sure he didn’t start a war.

I was mingling with the other guests when I got distracted by someone’s very nice backside. My eyes trailed up just in time to see the person turn around and catch my line of sight. Of course it would have to be Ianto Jones, the prick. Now I couldn’t even deny to myself I didn’t feel at the very least a bit attracted to him.

To my surprise, he walked over and greeted me politely. Keeping in mind his previous comments to Yvonne, I offered him a subdued smile in return. “I didn’t know One would send a representative here.”  
“Yvonne thought it wise, and since I already was in the neighbourhood…” he trailed off, making me wonder what had possessed him to come over to me in the first place. Not knowing how to reply, I looked around for a way out of this conversation.

With an unintentional display of brilliant timing, John entered – and he certainly knew how to make an entrance. He strode through the doors with all the confidence of the truly batshit insane, dressed in something that looked like he stole it from the orchestra boy he’d slept with the day before. As soon as he saw me, he strode over and kissed me soundly.  
  
“Jackie-boy! What do you say you and I go out later tonight?” I contemplated his offer. He looked sober enough now, but that could soon change. Still, a night out could be fun.  
“You got it, Hart.”  
Smiling smugly in Ianto’s direction, he took off again to annoy other innocents. When I turned back to face Ianto, I found his usually polite mask cracked with anger. Before I could get a word out to ask what was wrong, he sent me a glare of doom and stalked off. I saw him join the company of a tall, beautiful woman.

_10:47 pm_

Most of the guests were going off to their own private parties, or who knows, maybe even home, and we’d survived the evening unscathed. No casualties had been made, no peace-threatening activities had occurred, and no pacts were broken. Since this party had been held in the middle of civilian territory – more commonly known as the convention room of a hotel – most of the aliens were at the very least bipeds. Some of them walked out on four limbs, but that could’ve been because of all the alcohol. Not every species has the same alcohol tolerance.

I was waiting for an employee to return with my coat when the woman Ianto had joined earlier came to stand next to me. She handed over the chip with her jacket number before being spotted by another guest.

”Suzie! There you are. I heard you work with Mr. Jones now?” When she nodded, he immediately went on. “I can’t imagine how wonderful it must be. From what I’ve heard, the man’s brilliant. How are you liking it so far?”  
“It’s certainly a great joy to work with him. And I’ve offered to help him forget about what happened with Lisa, but no luck there yet.”  
Naturally this was when both our coats were brought. I left the building, ignoring the annoyance I had felt at Suzie’s words.

_11:52 pm_

After a surprisingly enjoyable dinner, John and I sat simply chatting and enjoying the evening. Steering clear of the unmentionable two weeks – which was a mission gone wrong – we talked about missions we’d had ever since. It’d been a while since they’d last teamed us up – probably for the best. When the party this night came up, John got a strange look in his eyes. “How do you know Eye-candy?”  
“Who?” There’d been many at that party who I’d consider eye-candy.  
“Mister Ianto Jones,” John drawled. “We worked a mission together once. Was supposed to hold my back but he was otherwise occupied with his wife.”  
Ianto hadn’t seemed like the type to lose focus during a mission, but then again, it was difficult to get a read on him.  
I scoffed, “Bastard. Serves him right she left him.” Distractions on the job were not allowed.  
John grinned and held up his glass in a toast. “Here’s to Ianto Jones’ lovely ex-wife.”  
We clinked glasses and I took a gulp of my water.  
“Anyway, don’t let him ruin our night. Why don’t you tell me some more about those acrobats you knew?”

 

* * *

 

**_18/01/2007_ **

_Weight: 14 st 3  
Shots: 0_

_01:12 am_

My phone rang. John urged me not to answer, for good reasons, but being too curious for my own good, I pulled him with me so I could grab my mobile. I flipped it open without looking. “Hello?” I gasped out.

It was Alex. He had a problem with one of our guests in the cells I had to talk him through. All the while John was slowly pounding into me. Years of practice made sure I could keep my voice under control. Maybe I let escape a gasp or two; Alex was distracted enough not to notice.

 

* * *

**_02/02/2007_ **

_Weight: 14 st 3  
Shots: 1_

_09:59 am_

Alex was moping. Because I’m a great friend and employee, I let him know he would always be my true love, despite what John and I did. After I skilfully dodged a paperweight I prodded him some to spill his sorrows to Auntie Jack. He seemed to really take offence to my cheerful mood, though, and promptly ordered me to go clean the cells.

I took the hint and disappeared out of sight into the Archives. The cells were rarely used, and Alex always gave romantic orders like that when he got rejected. At least now I knew what lay at the heart of the problem. The plan was to let him over-think everything, and that was when I’d swoop in and save the day. I’d briefly considered getting a second job as an agony aunt before Tosh had pointed out all the paperwork involved in setting up an independent business.

_01:25 pm_

I’d called Tosh earlier, I’d had an extended lunch break, and it had stopped raining. It was the perfect moment to confront Alex. I countered him in his office and closed the door behind me. I didn’t leer because Alex wore his serious face, and that means business. I used everything I have in me to pull the tale out. I won’t go into details – it isn’t pretty.

To hear Hartman was the base of all Alex’ problems didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that they’d had an affair and she’d just dumped Alex for Archie, the weirdo from Two. It took a moment to progress all that – not only hadn’t I known of Alex’ affair, but Archie’s existence had been confirmed. Since no one had ever seen him, it was widely assumed Archie was just the acronym for an A.I.

This felt a bit too far out of my league. Alex’ heart was shattered because of that cold-hearted bitch Hartman, and I had no idea how to fix it. John entering the Hub and making lewd comments at me through the glass of the office also didn’t help. I left with the terrible advice of ‘hang in there’.

 

* * *

**_13/03/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st 8  
Shots: 1_

_12:36 pm_

John and I kept seeing each other when we had some free time. This weekend we’d decided to take a day off to spend it in the countryside. We’d found a resort in a little village in the Becon Breacons to spent a nice few almost-alien-free days.

We had another little party to attend the day after, but that wasn’t a hardship. It was supposed to be a ‘welcome, now please be docile or you’ll be destroyed’ kind of party. After decades of living hidden, the Night Travellers had decided to ask for asylum at Torchwood. To show our goodwill, we’d been asked to dress up according to their culture.

But that was not for today. Now, John pulled up in front of the only hotel in the village and frowned at the lack of a valet to flirt with. We entered the lobby, dragging in our own suitcases. John arranged our rooms at the lobby while I looked around. It was a nice building, sturdy built yet visually pleasing.

I returned to John’s side, who was just stalling to flirt with the owner. Behind us I could hear a couple coming down the stairs. Their words were unintelligible because of the strange acoustic, but they didn’t sound too happy with each other. As we turned around, the couple reached the bottom of the stairs. I don’t know why I was even surprised when I saw Ianto Jones trailing behind Suzie.

They promptly shut up when they saw us standing there. John grabbed the keys off the counter and went past them up the stairs, calling out over his shoulder, “I’ll go warm the bed, shall I?”  
Suzie also seemed to have magically disappeared, leaving me alone with Ianto. He stared at me oddly, but having nothing to say to him, I merely nodded before following John up the stairs.

_15:02 pm_

John was singing. Had I been one to think romantically, I would say he was serenading me. I knew what we had wasn’t something that warranted overly romantic gestures, and neither of us wanted anything like that anyway. Sometimes though, before we got together, I would go out on the pull and leave early, and alone, because it seemed so senseless to me. Now, I like human contact, I’m a tactile person, don’t get me wrong, but some days, it just isn’t enough.

Because of my generous loving, most people would never consider me as good relationship-material. And, okay, I like to flirt. But it brightens the day, and I would never do something my partner didn’t agree with.  
I knew John had the same ideas about this as I did. Flirt around a lot, spread the love, but when in a relationship, make sure you have your partner’s consent.

Anyway. We’d discovered a tiny lake behind our hotel, so we’d borrowed a boat – or two – to row about a bit. We were rowing towards each other at a surprisingly slow speed. I’m pretty sure the water had been replaced by an alien jelly of some sort. I could hear John was rowing in my direction; his singing still hadn’t diminished.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could spot Ianto and Suzie gently rowing in a boat. It seemed like Suzie had some official documents with her and was asking Ianto’s opinion about them. I felt sorry for him – we were here for another party and then Suzie brings out the work.

It also amazed me just how many times we’d ran into one another since we’d been introduced, especially since One’s headquarters were in London. Just as it got me thinking about how this could be another ploy from One to keep an eye on the ‘rogue Three’, John’s boat bashed into mine, making both of our boats topple over.

Apparently, it was indeed an alien jelly. I burst dramatically from beneath the surface of the jelly, laughing at John, who had managed to remain into his boat and was currently laughing his arse off. I started wiggling at the side of John’s boat, trying to pull him into the jelly with me. Since John had always had a penchant for the dramatic, he refused to get pulled into the lake by me, instead standing up in the waggling boat and diving into the jelly.

I looked up from where John dove in to find Ianto staring at me. As soon as I caught his eye, he looked away, blushing.

 

* * *

**_14/03/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st 8  
Shots: 0_

_08:30 am_

I love cuddling. Drop someone in my bed, and within minutes they’ll be in my arms. It was something I really missed, since John didn’t like it. Of course, during the night I always crept up behind him and snaked my arms around him, but by morning I woke up empty-handed again. This morning wasn’t any different.

I wondered absentmindedly if Ianto Jones would be a cuddly kind of person. Banishing that pointless thought, I opened my eyes to watch John dress himself.  
“Why are you getting dressed? Get back into bed and have some fun.”  
“Can’t. I just had a call, they need me for a job nearby. I’ll send a cab to pick you up after the party.”  
I sighed and burrowed deeper into the blankets. “Must you go?”

I was aware I came across as a whiny child, but mornings never were my favourite time of the day. John bent over to give me a harsh kiss. He straightened and slapped my arse firmly. “Have fun at the party.”

_10:00 am_

Since we’d been asked to dress accordingly, I’d brought my old circus outfit with me. It was a leftover from another mission, but I’d been pulled off the case before there was a breakthrough.

The gathering was in some park a couple of streets away. I wasn’t overly fond of walking outside in this get-up, not because it would look silly – I knew I looked good – but because I had no place to properly hide my Webley.

I arrived at the park, seeing suspiciously little other people in circus clothes. Alex called out to me, waving me over. “Jack! Didn’t we send John the note? The night travellers decided to stay independent from Torchwood and are back into hiding. You were with John, right?”  
“It must have slipped his mind.”  
“Where is he anyway? You see, we decided to make it into a garden party, to not let the supplies go to waste.”  
Alex could really ramble on if you let him. I let him talk a bit, knowing I’d pick up on it should I miss something important. Alex’ earlier question had me thinking; why didn’t he know where John was? And if they’d send a message to John, why hadn’t he relayed it to me? It didn’t matter that much eventually, but it still made me wonder.

After Alex noticed he was rambling, he pushed a paper plate into my hands and gave me a shove in the direction of the table. I splashed some purple sustenance on my plate and watched as it tried to crawl back into the bowl it came from. Someone came to stand next to me and said, “If you’re not careful that will become entirely sentient. Better eat it immediately.”  
I looked up into Ianto’s eyes and back down to my plate. “You want to share?” I leered. I expected to be rebuffed immediately, only to be surprised when I got a gentle smile in reply. “No thanks. I’m allergic.”  
I spoke through a mouthful of purple blob, “That’s a shame. It’s really good.”  
Ianto frowned at my, according to him probably non-existent, table manners. “I’m sure it is.” He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more but suddenly Suzie appeared at his side as if out of nothing. “Ianto, I need your help with something.” She started pulling on his arm, ignoring me completely. Ianto shot me an apologetic glance and allowed Suzie to manhandle him away.

I wondered why he let Suzie handle him like that. It didn’t look like a healthy work relationship to me. But what did I know of those office types? I much preferred going out in the field, laughing in the face of danger. Even freelancers had to do their paperwork, but I’d charmed Alex into excusing me from doing it most of the time – Alex said he allowed it because I managed to screw it up most of the time anyway. I resent that statement – I just didn’t think paperwork that important. Unless I had a solo mission, I stayed as far away as possible from anything even remotely official looking.

_04:45 pm_

The cab pulled over at John’s flat. I refused to let a bit of rain get to me and stepped out with my bag to ring the bell. No matter how fond I am of my greatcoat, at that moment I cursed it for its lack of a hood. I also cursed John for not opening his door sooner. There are all kinds of chemicals in the rain you just do _not_ want to think about, and all of those were soaking into my skin. After I got completely drenched he finally deigned to open the door. Needless to say, I was not in the best mood.

Pushing my way in past John, I dropped my bag into the hallway, indifferent about the wet spot it would undoubtedly leave behind on the wooden floor. John diverted me from my course to the bathroom and steered me towards the living room. “I’d really prefer to dry myself off before I do anything else, John.”  
“Fine, I’ll bring you a towel.” He rolled his eyes as if my request was outlandish.

I wandered around the flat, taking in the stray pieces of alien tech just lying around. Most members of Torchwood borrowed some tech and then ‘forgot’ to return it. Since everything I could see was harmless, it didn’t really bother me. There were even the physic bracelets I remembered from several very passionate nights. Couldn’t complain about that.

Just as John returned and threw me a towel, I heard a clank coming from the room he just emerged from. I looked at him suspiciously and he just grinned back at me. “You got anyone else here?” I asked.  
“Want to join in?” he wiggled his eyebrows.  
I kept my voice level, “I’ll pass this time.”

The towel had only briefly touched my hair when I threw it back. John seemed genuinely surprised when I turned around and went back to the door and grabbed my bag. I marvelled at the enormous wet spot it left behind; no doubt it would create a permanent mark with all those acids in the rain.

“Where are you going? Just stay and join us,” John called out behind me. This was as close as he was ever going to get to beg me to stay. I didn’t react and just pulled the door shut behind me.

I wandered around town a few hours. When the rain finally let up, I went up the highest rooftop I could access. Not to brood, as some have mockingly called it, but to clear my head.

****

* * *

****

**_15/03/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st 8  
Shots: 0_

_07:11 am_

“I think I always knew it wouldn’t work out between us. We’re too alike in some areas. The sex was good, but that doesn’t built solid relationships. Who would have thought I’d ever complain about relationships? Or rather, the lack of.

“I can count everyone who’s ever tried to get to the man behind the grin on one hand. And I can’t complain, I guess, because I do it consciously; the flirting, smooth talking to everyone. Boasting about my conquests.

“What I need, is a man, woman, or alien – I’m not picky – who wants to know _me_. Not Captain Jack Harkness, but just Jack,” I sighed.

All I got in reply was a loud groan.

“Thanks Janet. I wish more people were understanding like you.” I tipped my bottle of water towards her in a toast and took a sip. I threw some extra meat in Janet’s cage before I left the vaults.

Feeding the residents in the vaults is a rotation job, and this week I had the honour. I didn’t mind doing it this time, because Janet was the perfect victim to have a heart-to-heart with. It was rather one-sided, but still.

Alex had warned me about not getting attached to her, saying we’d release her back to the sewers once we got the necessary data about Weevils. Since Owen was the one collecting data, I knew for a fact testing had been over for a good couple of weeks all ready. She had charmed her way into Torchwood Three’s hearts, earning herself a life-time of easy meals and a dungy cell. I’m not sure who got the better half of the deal.

 

* * *

**_20/03/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st 7  
Shots: 0_

_11:47 am_

The last couple of days had been difficult. It seemed as if John was there every time I turned. At first he’d tried to talk to me, but he’d soon gotten the message when I kept telling him I was busy doing paperwork. My hatred of paperwork was well known, so he knew I wasn’t kidding around. I overheard him calling me irrational once. If wanting a steady relationship for once instead of random fucks is irrational, fine. Then I am irrational.

I came out of the archives after answering Tosh’s call, about to go on my lunch break when Alex came over and motioned me into his office. Alex is one of the few people who realised I actually have emotions other than lust. Or maybe Janet had tipped him off; either way, he took place behind his desk – neatly ordered – and pointed to the chair in front of me.

“Jack, I know something’s wrong. I also know you, so I won’t ask you to tell me about it,” he started. “There’s a new project being started that might just be perfect for you. Being a freelancer can be boring at times, and this will get you out more again.”

He knew he had me there. I’d do anything to go out again. Being a freelancer isn’t as much fun and as free as you’d think. It mostly meant that we were sometimes sent out for the more delicate work, or depending on your field experience, retrieval missions. Now that, the actual job, it’s great. But because it’s Torchwood, there’s a catch. They want you to be present at the Hub at all times during your work hours, just in case of emergency. Translated into reality that means you hang around and do menial chores around the Hub, like feed the residents, or catch up on paperwork. It’s the main part of the job, really.

“So what is it?” I asked. He gave me an estimating look.  
“Torchwood is going to make promo spots.”

 

* * *

**_21/03/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st 7  
Shots: 0_

_01:30 pm_

I wondered what I’d gotten myself into. When I’d agreed to make promo spots, no one had mentioned this would include interviewing an Arkan. Those guys are _boring_. A few years ago I’d tried to chat one up, because I just love those tentacles. Never again. After we got to her flat, she started lecturing me about the merits of wood. She was still going strong when I slipped out of the room four hours later.

We were filming in one of the many safe-houses owned by Torchwood, and I had been waiting to get started for the better part the day. Since everyone had apparently decided it would be best if they told me absolutely nothing that could be relevant to what was going on, I’d decided to just let them do and catch up on some sleep. It wasn’t something I did very often since my physiology allowed me to function on a lot less sleep than average, but it was still necessary. So I sat down in a plush, comfortable chair in the middle of the room and let everyone around me bustle around.

_03:47 pm_

No one had noticed I was asleep, and they had started filming already. The Arkan had started its introduction an hour ago and was about to move on to the actual topic when it had brushed its tentacle across my face in greeting. It had startled me into action, throwing a punch to whoever I could hit. Of course I hit the Arkan right in the eye; with my luck lately I didn’t expect any less. Being pacifists themselves, the Arkan wanted nothing more to do with me after I hit it.

 

* * *

**_15/05/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st  
Shots: 0_

_02:30 pm_

The past few weeks had been all kinds of horrible. The promo spots that had been made out to be full of action were in fact unbelievably boring introduction interviews with aliens for the new recruits to watch. What they were supposed to learn from them, since I’m fairly sure they’d fall asleep five minutes in, I have no idea.

I’d tried to let my natural charm do its work rather than just reading stuffy questions from a paper, but to no avail. According to the director I came across as ‘too cheerful’ and it would give the wrong impression to the recruits. Since the interviewed aliens were all allies, I wondered what wrong impression it could be giving.

On the schedule for today was at last something that could prove to be interesting, and tricky. I was supposed to get some footage of an interspecies couple, preferably with interview. The couple, made up out of a Blowfish and a Torchwood One employee, were pioneers in the interspecies marriage-rights department. For several years now they had been lobbying the government to allow interspecies marriage. The case was very high profile – in Torchwood – and today they would receive a final judgement.

That was how I found myself in London, standing in front of a nondescript building where everything was supposed to find place. The couple themselves didn’t appear to be very fond of all the attention, and over the years getting interviews with them had not been easy, to say the least. They hadn’t released the hour when the judgement would go down, so I’d been camping outside the building the whole day.

I didn’t have a lot of hope at actually getting anything, and since the crew had ran out of drinks, I offered to get some in the little shop around the corner. In the shop I took the most expensive bottles I could find, planning to write them off on the Torchwood expenses. Doing your own paperwork apparently had loads of advantages.

As I turned to the cashier to pay, a low voice rumbled directly next to my ear, “Someone seems thirsty.” I won’t deny my heart skipped a beat. You try having a low, smooth voice talk to you, accented with those nice Welsh vowels, and be unaffected by it. I turned my head to the voice’s direction and marvelled at the sight before me.

 “Mr. Jones. Are you stalking me?” I asked, mock-offended.  
He chuckled. “Despite of how it looks, I’m here in official capacity.”  
“So am I. I’m supposed to capture some footage of the couple, but I doubt we’ll get lucky.”  
Ianto frowned in reply, as if he mentally ran through every possible reply to that before settling on, “I can get you in.”

_03:26 pm_

Not only did we get in, Ianto also managed to convince them to give an interview. Throughout the entire interview he sat next to me, distracting me every time he moved, a waft of vanilla reaching my nostrils. Several times I zoned out, wondering if it was his shampoo or his shower gel. Not even once did I try to hit on either one of the interviewees.

After it was over, the only thing I could recall was that their campaign was a success and they were allowed to get married. I knew I’d have to say goodbye to Ianto soon, but I wanted something cleared up that had been bugging me for a while now, so when he made to move away I grabbed his hand. “Not so quick. I want to ask you something,” I said, still holding his hand. He quirked his eyebrows at me expectantly. “Why do I keep running into you in Cardiff?”  
“I requested to work closer to home for personal reasons.”

I decided to let it rest and we said goodbye. He didn’t react when I held his hand a tad longer than appropriate, and I couldn’t stop the small burst of hope I felt.

 

* * *

**_17/05/2007_ **

_Weight: 12 st 13  
Shots: 2_

_06:54 pm_

At last I was assigned a real field mission again. It was supposed to be an easy pick-up, just some flotsam that had fallen through the rift and was just alien enough to alert our sensors. I made a mental note to recalibrate the sensors as I sprinted out of the warehouse and threw the door closed behind me, an audible thump following mere seconds after my escape.

Turned out it wasn’t a piece of alien rubbish but rather a piece of prehistoric reptile. A very angry and hungry reptile. I was considering my options – whether to shoot it or capture it – when I heard footsteps approaching. I sighed mentally and began to pat my pockets to search the Retcon.

“Need some assistance?” The voice made me stop and turn around.  
“What are you planning to do, office boy?” I said teasingly, “Go slap it with some paperwork?”  
Once again I received an amused look. “I’ve got a secret weapon. If you’re a good boy, I might even share some with you.”

His secret weapon consisted of offering the pteranodon – according to Ianto, to me it just looked like flying breakfast – some dark chocolate. Being the gentleman I am, I offered to get close to it and stab it with an enormous syringe filled with sedative I’d found in the back of the Torchwood SUV. The pteranodon didn’t seem overly fond of needles though, and flew off with me clutching on. When the sedative finally started to work, I let go, preparing for a painful hug with the concrete floor, only to land on Ianto’s warm body. Despite getting hit full force with a charming captain, Ianto still had the wit to roll us out of the way when the pteranodon flew right at us.

And that’s how I found myself being smothered by Ianto Jones. I certainly had no objections, and for a moment I could have sworn neither did Ianto. He pulled away just as I reached to grasp his hips. He offered me his hand and pulled me up.

_07:48 pm_

We dropped off the unconscious pteranodon at the Hub, leaving behind a bemused Alex. I hadn’t asked how Ianto had gotten to the abandoned warehouse from where the signal had come from, and he hadn’t offered, hitching a ride with me instead.

“Can I drop you off somewhere?” When I didn’t receive an answer, I glanced over to the passenger seat. Ianto stared back at me. “Or you could come with me to have dinner with some friends.” That got a reaction. He smiled and nodded, “I’d like that.”

I wondered if I’d have to change. I _had_ fallen on the ground, but nothing got ripped or terribly dirty. It got me wondering how Ianto managed to keep his suits so pristine. No one would say he’d just rolled around on the floor of a dirty warehouse to avoid getting hit with unconscious pteranodon.

_08:06 pm_

We entered the restaurant fashionably late. Not by purpose, just because of traffic jams. The others looked surprised to see Ianto behind me, but they managed to hide it well when he greeted them politely. After introductions were over with, we joined in at the table. I felt inordinately pleased when he sat next to me.

Gwen, curious as always, quickly started her interrogation. Thanks to her we learned he worked mostly as a diplomat, and was currently working on a project in lieu with UNIT. He’d requested to work closer to Cardiff so he could support his sister, who’d had a difficult second pregnancy.

After Ianto seemed to satisfy Gwen’s nosiness, he settled in neatly into our little group. Owen tried to catch him off guard with sarcastic comments but gained an equally sarcastic and dry answer in return every time. When Tosh started explaining how she’d had to streamline UNIT’s database earlier, Ianto seemed to be the only one who had an inkling what she was on about.

It seemed there was certainly more to Ianto Jones than the boring, yet cute office worker I’d first pegged him to be. Thinking back about what John had told me, it didn’t seem to add up. Ianto had always been professional when the occasion called for it, and him losing focus on a mission by his wife seemed out of character.

_10:27 pm_

A pleasant night was coming to an end, and it was too soon according to me. Gwen had already left, saying she had to leave to check up on her apartment and Rhys, who had his friend Banana over. I’ve met the guy once, and Gwen was completely justified in her worries. Owen was already eyeing someone at the bar to pick up later. I was also pretty sure I’d seen Tosh and Ianto swap numbers at one moment. I was glad they hit it off so quickly.

When Owen got up to leave, I stood up with him to go pay the bill. The dinner had been my treat because I was finally getting rid of shooting those promo spots. While I was waiting to have my credit card returned, I saw Owen leaving with the girl he’d had his eye on, and Tosh hugging Ianto in goodbye. She turned and waved at me before she, too, left.

Ianto walked over to me just as I was handed my credit card back. We left in comfortable silence. When I offered him a ride to wherever he lived, he denied, claiming the night was perfect for a walk.

We stood watching each other, waiting what the other would do. A random passer-by broke the moment; Ianto smiled and moved forwards to chastely press his lips against mine. I grinned when he pulled back.  
“Bye Jack,” he said, turning around and walking away, swaying his hips lecherously, fully aware of my eyes following him.

 

* * *

**_23/05/2007_ **

_Weight: 13 st  
Shots: 3_

_06:02 pm_

After a long, strenuous day of doing boring jobs, I finally was free to go and sit alone in my flat. I exited the Hub through the unused tourist cover front, deciding to take the scenic route home. Blinded temporarily by the sudden change from dungeon lightning to the weak spring sun, I heard a disembodied voice call out to me. “Coffee?”

I squinted in the direction, letting my eyes adjust. Ianto stood in casual clothes, a thermos that probably contained hot coffee in his hands. I cocked an eyebrow at him, “You’re not helping your case about not being a stalker here.”

Ianto shrugged unconcerned and smiled. “I was hoping I could convince you to have dinner with me.” I wondered how we’d come to this, to Ianto asking me out in front of the Hub of all places, but I agreed. Since I was on call this evening and didn’t want to storm out of a public place if I got a call, I invited Ianto to my flat.

_06:29 pm_

After an amiable drive where I’d gotten Ianto to laugh at how we’d named the pteranodon –Myfanwy, one of the perks getting stranded in Wales – we arrived. I was immensely relieved when I remembered I’d done some shopping in the past week, since I rarely bothered to cook anything more than a simple meal for myself.

I told Ianto to take a seat and make himself at home while I went to rummage through the cupboards and the fridge. In the back of the fridge I found some vegetables I’d planned on ignoring as long as possible and enough ground beef for the two of us. Crouching in front of the cupboard and leaning in up to my waist scored me a round, flat bread.

Standing back up, I bumped into Ianto. He stood so close that when I turned around we stood almost nose to nose. He was the same height as I am – a fact that pleased me greatly. I lifted up my hand holding the bread, saying, “I found ingredients for a chilli.”  
“Sounds perfect to me,” he replied. “Can I do anything?”

We shared the vegetables and cut up our share, the sounds of knifes slicing through the peppers audible in the comfortable silence. When my cutting board was full of sliced peppers I turned to Ianto and smirked, “Do you need any help, Mr. Jones?”  
He looked up at me, seemingly considering my offer for a second before replying innocently, “Maybe you could show me how to slice them faster.”

I slid up behind his back, leaning in and bringing my left hand round to rest on his hip, my right hand coming up to cover Ianto’s hand holding the knife. “It’s easy. Just be confident, but not overtly. We wouldn’t want you to cut those pretty fingers of yours.”

_07:24 pm_

The actual cooking in itself had been just as pleasant. I’d requested Ianto’s help with stirring the meat, claiming I’d had a tiring day and hadn’t the stamina left. He’d mimicked my earlier position, sliding up against my back and covering my hand with his.

The chilli was finished, and I served it in a half of the bread. Our conversation flowed easily, and I learned more about Ianto in those minutes than I’d ever known about John. Thinking about John brought back the question about what had really happened between them, so I cut Ianto off and asked him.

He sighed and put down the remainder of his bread. “I found him in bed with my wife. We were supposed to go out on a mission the next day, and it failed spectacularly because Hart didn’t trust me not to backstab him. I won’t say I wasn’t tempted, but I do have ethics.”

That was one mystery solved, and just confirmed to me John was a lying bastard. Resolved to get an answer about everything that puzzled me, I asked one last question. Why Ianto had seemed to change his mind about me.

He looked up embarrassed. “To be honest, when I first met you, you came across as rather shallow. But when I heard you talking to some of the guests later at that party, I realised I was mistaken. And then at the lake, it seemed like you were without a care in the world.”  
He brought a hand up and rubbed at his neck. ‘’Seeing that expression of pure joy on your face… It made me want to know you better. To be someone who could place that expression there.”

His words made my stomach clench, and I’m embarrassed to say I quickly shoved Ianto out of my flat after that. The rest of the night was a blur, up until when I found myself perched on a rooftop.

* * *

**24/05/2007**

_Weight: 13 st 1  
Shots: 14_

_05:06 am_

The sound of shreds of meat being violently ripped off a carcass accompanied me in my sulking. I’d treated Janet to a big chunk of road kill to thank her for listening to my rambling again.

“I don’t even know why I panicked, Janet. This all just feels like some sort of cheesy rom-com film, where we started out disliking each other and gradually saw how wrong we were,” I said, letting my head thump against the wall.

Janet ripped another chunk of meat from her carcass and threw it against the Plexiglas.

“I know, Janet, I should go talk to him. I’ll go when I’m sober again.”

I pushed away from the wall I’d been leaning against. Had Janet been allowed out of her cell, I’m sure she would have slapped me for being the biggest idiot with commitment issues.

_06:00 am_

When Alex saw the sorry state I was in, he sent me home to sleep it off and get myself together. I sent Tosh a text to let her know our lunch date would have to be cancelled, since I didn’t want to bother more people with my issues. I knew I had myself to blame for this, and I was going to work it out. Just as soon as I resembled anything close to sober.

_06:12 pm_

Turning off the shower, I shook my head like a dog to shake off the droplets and blindly reached out for my towel. A hot shower and nearly ten hours of sleep made me feel human again, and I once again thanked whoever was listening that I never seemed to get hangovers.

After firmly towelling myself dry, I started dressing up, and panic started to creep into my thoughts. What if I’d completely screwed up with Ianto? Whatever we’d started to develop had already been so fragile. As I started buttoning my cufflinks – the silver ones shaped like Spitfires – I pushed those thoughts away. Tonight would be my moment.

_06:47 pm_

Standing in front of a dingy looking door, I rechecked the address with the file I’d borrowed from Alex’ office. Unless there was a mistake in the personnel files, this was the right place. It just wasn’t exactly where I’d imagined Ianto living. The neighbourhood wasn’t the most inviting one around, most buildings looking like they’d been thrashed years ago and never refurbished.

Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door in front of me. Since the door downstairs had been smashed down and was propped up against the frame, I hoped Ianto wouldn’t mind I’d come up without using the intercom first. Nervously, I wiped my hands across my front, fiddling with my waistcoat.

The door opened, revealing a casually clothed Ianto. “Jack?”  
“Ianto Jones. Still looking good, even without the suit,” I tried to charm.  
His expression remained blank. “Is that supposed to butter me up?”

The very moment the last syllable left Ianto’s mouth I realised how truly stupid I’d been the day before. Ianto saw through me, exactly what I needed to ground me down. So I powered down my trademark megawatt smile to a genuine grin and shrugged.  
“Not necessarily. Maybe we could… Dinner? A movie?”  
In response, Ianto stepped aside and held open the door. I entered the flat, gladly noticing it looked better maintained than the outside did.

Ianto showed himself a perfect host, immediately offering me a drink and some snacks. Neither of us really spoke more than a few words that evening, lapsing into a comfortable silence spend watching a movie.

At the end of the evening I left Ianto’s flat strangely subdued. We hadn’t made any further agreements, but I had a positive feeling.

* * *

**31/05/2007**

_Weight: 13 st  
Shots: 0_

_12:05 pm_

It’d been a week since I left Ianto’s flat, a week where I hadn’t contacted Ianto to let him have some space to think everything over. But today, I was going to surprise him during his lunch break, take him out and talk to him about how I’d really like to give this a shot.

I sneaked into the supposedly top secret base Ianto was currently placed, walking in like I owned the place. Breezing past several confused looking guards, I made my way through to the offices. UNIT military bases all seemed to use the same lay-out.  
At the end of the hallway I caught a glimpse of Ianto through an open office door, talking to someone sat behind a desk. Deciding to be polite and restraint myself for once, I waited outside the door for Ianto to finish.

I couldn’t help but overhear it when Ianto gasped out, “You want _me_ to start a branch in New York?” I strained to hear the reply, but the only word I could pick out was ‘Suzie’. Of course. There was a short silence before I heard Ianto murmur something about needing some time to consider. I walked back outside.

By the time Ianto walked out of the base I’d gathered my thoughts and made sure to let nothing show on my face. I strode up to him, grinning. “Hey gorgeous. How would you feel about going on a lunch date with me?”  
Ianto didn’t seem to mind the nickname too badly, considering he nodded at me and offered a smile. I grabbed Ianto’s arm and put mine through it, in a gesture that I’ve often been told is too old-fashioned but one I’ve always preferred above holding hands.

_01:34 pm_

We were standing in front of base again, both reluctant to let the date end. I’d already dragged Ianto around half an hour longer than he was supposed to be out. I’d managed to push the New York news to the back of my mind, and Ianto hadn’t brought it up. Instead, we’d talked about previous missions, and how we’d ended up working at Torchwood. Maybe it wasn’t the great romantic gesture I had in mind, but it ended up being a lot more intimate than I’d imagined.

Right now I felt like a teenager again, standing on the porch of my date’s house in the hope of getting a kiss before leaving. Before I could make the last part of that thought come through, Ianto looked up at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Want to come inside?”

Had we actually been standing on Ianto’s porch I would’ve been overjoyed. But this being right outside a UNIT base, and it being Ianto, I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t just put me to work. Curiosity won, and I shrugged. “Sure. Lead the way.”

He went first, presenting me once more with his very fine behind. Letting my eyes wander freely and my mind conjure up fantasies of stripping off those trousers, I heard a soft “Stop it,” coming from Ianto.

Ianto led us through an endless maze of offices, most of them occupied by humans, or humanoid looking aliens. We’d just walked through a hallway that was almost entirely empty before stopping in front of a large board room. He opened the door and waved me inside, closing the door behind us. “If I’d known you’d prepared such a romantic office for us I would have visited you earlier.”  
Ianto smirked. “Don’t lie to me, Harkness. You got nearly giddy with excitement when we passed the copier room earlier.”  
I drew closer to Ianto, bringing my arms up around his waist. “Well, offices do have such an exotic feeling to me.”

_02:15 pm_

My head was resting on Ianto’s stomach, feet hanging off the large table we were lying on, still basking in the afterglow. Fingers were softly gliding through my hair.  
“How do offices feel to you now?” I could feel the words vibrating under my head, momentarily distracted by the feeling. “They feel like more,” I replied after a moment, turning my head to see Ianto’s reaction. He smiled down gently at me, tugging gently at my hair. “We should get back. Or I should.”

There was no real force behind the words, and we stayed in our positions for a little while longer. Ianto was the first to give in and patted me on my shoulders, signalling me to get off him. I’d much preferred to get him off instead, but compromises must be made in a relationship.

I watched as he dressed, looking immaculately as always. Quickly throwing on my own clothes, I wondered how this would end.  
Ianto paused in front of the door, looking at me while seeming to take a decision. “I’ve been offered a promotion in New York,” he blurted out.

I was pleasantly surprised he shared it with me so soon. “That’s great. It’s your decision to make, Ianto. I won’t keep you here.” I wouldn’t do that. But I might have to get myself transferred to the New York branch should he decide to go.

“Thanks,” Ianto said. “I appreciate it.”

* * *

**11/06/2007**

_Weight: 12 st 11  
Shots: 0_

_06:45 pm_

The following two weeks we mainly communicated over the phone – thanks to several invading aliens who kept me busy– with a couple more lunch dates crammed in between. None of them ended like our first one, sadly, because some over-eager guard had turned the security camera’s back on in the unused rooms.

New York hadn’t come up again, but I was sure whatever decision Ianto made, this would work out. _We_ would work out.

I settled on the couch with a bottle of hypervodka standing on the coffee table nearby. Maybe I could convince Ianto to play a telephone drinking game to spice up our phone sex. Not that spicing it up was really necessary, Ianto had a kinky streak in him a mile wide.

A knock on the door interrupted my fantasies. I considered ignoring the visitor and just calling Ianto, but not many people bothered to visit me unless it was urgent. Fishing my trousers from behind the couch and hopping in them, I went to open the door.

Ianto greeted me with a very nice kiss. He pulled away with a grin. “Hey Jack.”  
“Hey,” I echoed before pulling Ianto closer and slamming the door shut. “Was just about to call you.”

He stopped my hands from their work – loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. His expression became serious. “I came over to tell you something.”  
Pulling my hands from his grasp, I frowned. “What is it?”

He gestured to the couch, indicating we should sit down for this conversation.  
“I had to decide about going to New York today,” he told me. “I would be second in command, directly under Suzie.”

I nodded at his words, it sounded like a great offer. “So what are you going to do?”

Ianto looked around the room before making eye contact again. “I declined. I’m staying here.”

My first reaction was _he chose to stay, did he do it for me?_ before I remembered what a great chance he was letting pass by him. “Are you sure?”  
He smiled again. “Yes. Suzie told me she planned on bringing the CIA in on it. She already has some possible liaisons on her list. I didn’t feel like dealing with that.”  
I laughed and reached for the bottle of hypervodka. “Mister Jones, feel like sharing this with me for your staying here?”

“I certainly do, Jack.”

_09:41 pm_

Fingers pushing, probing, worming their way in. Not sure whose they are, the shared experience doubling back the sensations. It’s hard to remember who’s doing what, and there’s no reason to when it feels this good. Someone scratches the other’s back, leaving burning red trails. Bite marks are trailed over collarbones, bruises are blossoming on hips, tongues battling for dominance. The lube is uncovered from between the ripped sheets, hastily gets applied. The phantom feeling of pushing in the wonderful tight heat and getting filled all at once.

It’s glorious.

 

_11:45 pm_

Stealing the physic bracelets from John has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

 

**Author's Note:**

> First off: the scenes where Jack is bugging Janet were totally inspired by [this brilliant piece of fanart by Awabubbles](http://awabubbles.tumblr.com/post/22725299343/jack-i-dont-know-janet-i-want-this-relationship).
> 
> Secondly, if this feels a bit rushed or not tied up enough, it's because it totally is. I started this with the idea of having plenty of time to also write the sequel, and instead ended up staying up to 3 am to finish this. I apologise for that and I promise to pay more attention to time management next time.
> 
> And thanks for reading!  
>  
> 
> (Anyone who caught errors and points them out to me so I can fix it gets a cookie.)


End file.
